the SZNs are changing…

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I’ve really been feelin the astrological weather these days. My Sun and Venus have returned to their natal positions, and thus reminders of my deep passion for people/life and the intensity of my love have returned to me.

Issa season of true, HONEST love 💗 and adjusting your relationships (and communication) (I see u Mercury in Libra) to serve your highest good. Therefore, some autumn adjustments are currently being made. True love never has to compromise, never has to shrink itself, never has to apologize for existing as is.

And with Saturn and Pluto currently in Capricorn, chile……..if you GOATS ain’t been integrous and honest as of late, then you REALLY feeling these aspects drag you rn and I also don’t feel bad for you 🐐 as a fellow Capricorn, I have no empathy for stubbornness allowed to fester for too long, past the point of usefulness.

Venus in Scorpio 🦂 nut checks all dem flaky folks who’ve tried to finesse their way within my proximity and is drowning them one by one if they not up to par 🙃 seeing the excess get washed away in these deep, deep, DEEP regenerative Scorpio waters lately brings me so much joy and affirmation.

Intensity isn’t a bad thing if it serves your highest self and if you do the things to keep up. Scorpio is a highly intuitive and intense bitch, so you gotta come correct or don’t come at all.

But first, let us celebrate the harvest we’ve sowed for ourselves all summer in this season. Libra is less about balance and more about proper ratio: having balance requires knowing how much of each thing is necessary and when to scale back on other things. I’m reclaiming my energies that I’ve been spending on excess people, places, and things and redirecting it towards what needs it (myself) (my important relationships) more than the excess.

I hope all my Libra friends are finding themselves able to wash away the excess and redistribute your important, sacred energy towards yourselves and whoever/whatever needs it most. It’s our SZN ♎️

I fuck with you if you love me
Fuck you if you had me 🖕🏽😘

let’s give kids a childhood that they don’t have to heal from

most parents are selfish parents. they parent their children from a place of self-interest, very conditional love, ownership, and only partial investment. it is normal for us to neglect kids of their autonomy, their feelings, and their self-actualization, which does so much harm.

we lowkey hate kids, as a collective.

we especially hate kids who fall outside of what we deem to be normal or acceptable, like trans kids, kids with disabilities, gender non-conforming kids, fat kids, “academically average” kids, etc. these kids eventually grow up (if they are fortunate enough to make it to to their late teens and 20s) and become adults who now hate themselves with all this baggage that they ain’t ask for. they may end up having kids themselves, only to raise them to hate themselves, too. this is how this cycle persists across generations.

we don’t love them, we don’t respect them, and we don’t allow them to be free.

but, parents often don’t know how to do these things: how to love, respect, and let their kids be free. they were often children of selfish (and/or toxic) parents themselves and aren’t taught anything different. as unfortunate as it is, most of us (and our parents) don’t know unconditional love and how to identify it. what it feels like. couldn’t point it out in a lineup.

•••

real, unconditional love is a unfamiliar construct to most of us in the united states of amerikkka. we flinch and balk and stare and vehemently disapprove at the sight of parents who raise their kids from a place of freedom, love, and respect because it is so damned strange to us.

parents who let their children express their negative feelings towards them, parents who allow their boys to wear dresses and makeup and let their girls get buzzcuts, parents who don’t spank or beat their children, parents who let their kids pursue a trade they’re passionate about instead of going to college, parents who use pronouns that the child picks, parents who don’t pressure their kids to chemically alter their children’s hair texture (or outright do it for them), parents who allow their kids to have privacy while in the same household, parents who practice emotional boundaries….

this is parenting from a place of acknowledging the kid being their own person. too often, parents feel entitled to their kids mind, body, and souls, believing that they own them. as if kids are property.

we think we love kids, but we lowkey don’t even know what love is. making a kid homeless because their gender doesn’t match what they were assigned at birth, restricting a child’s diet for non-health reasons and to solely control the image of the child’s body, yelling at and beating a child because they express their authentic feelings, forcing kids to wear clothes and hair that does not feel good to them, disowning a child because they don’t pursue a certain career path, forcing a kid to worship and practice a religion that does not connect for them, quietly resenting a child for fucking up their perfect body due to childbirth or for altering the parents’ life path…this is all the opposite of love.

kids ain’t dumb and are very intuitive and adept at understanding feelings, even if they don’t have words for those feelings just yet. they learn what ticks mom and dad off, when the parent is in a pissy mood, when it’s best to ask for money or candy or a birthday gift, when the parent has been crying in their room or fighting with their spouse.

kids know.

kids combine this knowledge they gain about their parents with the desire to be approved by them, and learn to perform perfection and perform the standards of being their parents’ children out of fear of losing whatever love it is that they do receive from them.

anything done out of fear is not a result of authentic, unconditional love. however, this is how many of us went through our childhoods and still behave with our parents to this day. we dare not risk overstepping that boundary, expressing that true emotion, letting our parents know that one little secret for fear that they will disapprove, or worse, lash out at us. we attempt to protect that inner child as much as we can, but suppressing ourselves with the purpose of protecting ourselves only hurts us. the longer you suppress, the more painful it is for the truth to come out. and it always comes out, often at the big, but most inopportune times (funerals, weddings, birthdays, celebrations with alcohol, etc.). although is is 10000x more scary, it is infinitely more brave to be authentic.

sadly, there are politics around what is brave, what is safe, and what is necessary for survival, especially when talking about kids. how sad is it that so many kids have to often choose between having relative safety, shelter, and consistent food & being their authentic selves? how abusive and controlling is it to ration out life essentials to KIDS based off of if they meet an arbitrary standard when they otherwise can’t (legally) provide for themselves?

why can’t we be decent enough to give them both?

•••

it has been an unfortunate life lesson for me that if your own authentic self deviates enough from your parents’ vision for you, that is enough to be irredeemable to them.

I’ve come to realize (and accept, as a kid [and now an adult] that was conditionally loved) that NO amount of achievements or chased perfection will convince your parents to fully love you THE WAY YOU DESERVE if they are not personally invested in doing so. their love for you should not be based on if you’re aligned with who THEY have visualized and planned you to be. if this vision is inauthentic for you and who you are, they should love you anyways, because that’s what unconditional love is: lovewithout conditions.

at that point, any little thing that you do “wrong” will be reason enough to dispose of you as too ‘difficult’ to love, or ‘disrespectful’ to who they “raised you to be.” not who you actually are, but who they WANT you to be.

this is selfish parenting. this is not parenting from a place of love.

i hope my generation learns to be less selfish in our parenting practices as we continue to raise our kids. we need to let them teach us as much as we teach them, for they have their own nuggets of wisdom to impart on us. age never, ever dictates maturity or wisdom, so listen to your kids, really listen, and allow yourself the humility to continue to learn.

i also hope we continue to find time to reflect on our own childhoods, heal from them, and discontinue passing down generations of trauma. those of us who didn’t come from “bad” homes (weren’t physically abused or indigent or neglected) more than likely still have trauma to heal from, too. verbal and emotional abuse is real, and a lot of us have normalized that abuse and our means of coping with it “for our own good.” we have to unlearn all of it and learn better ways to understand feelings and communication for the sake of our own children and the children that we will come into contact with for the rest of our adult lives.

all children deserve a childhood that they don’t have to heal from.

we exist; therefore, we are worthy.

it’s funny to see people that I know embrace Lena Waithe and her success that she’s gained as an openly Queer, Black woman. I’m totally here for queer Black success, and I genuinely wish continued prosperity to Lena in her career.

but when it comes to queer Black folk in people’s lives that they’ve known for a while now, all that grace and support seems to just dissolve, like honey in hot tea. as a masculine presenting queer Black person, I know this reality all too well.

It would be nice if people had more integrity in how they choose (cause it’s definitely a choice, FYI) who is worthy of support and who is not. this choice falls along many visible identity lines, including body type, skin color, perceived alignment with cisnormativity, etc etc.

choosing people to be worthy of support based on aesthetics alone is dangerous and, frankly, really fucked up. in an aesthetic-driven world, however, this is the reality that Black queer folks have to contend with for basic human respect and acknowledgement.

there’s also a convo to be had about how queer Black folks are seen as useful ONLY when we’re able to do things for others….

– things like free labor, particularly emotional labor. i DO love a good tea party myself, but coming to your queer friend every time you need to vent cause they’re totally good at listening but never really reciprocating when they’re in need of an ear is a very draining tea party that becomes less and less fun to participate in, no matter how hot and good that tea is.

– things like only engage with stereotypes of queer folks, like the queer friend being your go-to fashion person. it’s cool that you think they’re fly AF and their taste is super eclectic, but it aint cool to only use them when you need fashion advice.

– things like being a lab rat in someone’s sexual exploration process. your sexuality can and definitely should be explored, but not when it’s at the expense of someone via stringing them along with half-truths or flat out lying in order to hoard access to their body for YOUR enjoyment. this happens to all kinds of queer folks, and especially at the intersection of being Black; being fetishized for sexual exploration by a sexually curious (and often emotionally irresponsible) cishet is wrong on so many levels.

to many people, we are only seen as useful when we do things like this, and especially when those things are done for F R E E.

Black queer folks deserve so much better and so much more than what’s given to us by the world.

to tell the whole truth, we often agree to go along with being used and/or dehumanized cause the world we live in has already told us that as Black, queer, and (often) poor people that we are not worthy of baseline human respect.

dominant narratives in society show us and affirm the ideas that no matter what, fundamental aspects of ourselves are not worthy of respect, love, and recognition from anyone. not family, not friends, not teachers, co-workers, politicians, bosses, civil employees, professors, anyone.

unfortunately, we too are not immune from internalizing these beliefs. Queer Black folks receive these poisonous beliefs in the form of internalized negativity that often turns to hatred towards ourselves.

what results are toxic and damaging beliefs that taint our self-worth and self-image.

we become a mirror to the world that we exist in and, without an alternative narrative to tell us any different, become masochists in our own self-sabotage.

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in a world that tells us that we are inherently useless, how do we give ourselves purpose? how do we make ourselves useful?

what often happens is that we make ourselves overly available to those around us as an attempt to dispel these ‘uselessness’ myths. we do all the things that mean that someone, anyone, will find value in us. EVERYONE learns these myths, queer or not, but everyone rarely gets the chance to unlearn them…especially us.

we may willingly give our advice, listening ears, and shoulders as a down payment in hopes that someone will give us theirs in our time of crisis.

we may willingly work long hours for not nearly enough pay in the hopes that our higher up will notice our work ethic and hopefully, one day, pay us what we’re actually worth.

we may willingly share our bodies with those who don’t deserve them just to receive touch, attention, and what can feel like affirmation and love.

we may willingly pursue degrees in institutions that never genuinely appreciate our  contributions in the hopes that, maybe, perhaps, we can finally connect with people based on academic interests and form friendships and relationships that are lifelong.

we often do these things to a fault, to our detriment, grinding ourselves down to the bone just to maybe feel affirmation, love, and respect.

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predators and abusers (who might not even be aware that they are predatory and/or abusive) manipulate and abuse these vulnerabilities to the point of complete physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual exhaustion. but we dare not complain or resist, or else we get gas lit, get the ‘unconditional’ love and affirmation stripped away, or worse, blame ourselves for just not being enough and feel the need to punish ourselves so that we will be better.

this can have us bedridden with depression and/or anxiety too strong to bear, in the ER hooked up to banana bags to replenish our bodies, in our bedrooms contemplating if life is worth continuing everyday, in unhealthy relationships with human leeches, and so on and so forth.

it’s horrible. it’s hell. it’s depressing. it’s fucked.

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as someone who has experienced most of these outcomes throughout my lifetime and is now on a journey to reclaim myself fully, along with breaking apart these fucked up cycles, I pray that the world can become better for Queer Black folks, starting with ourselves.

self-love, positive self-worth, self-affirmation, a commitment to ourselves and our health is so necessary for pure survival in this world, and I know for a fact that most of our people don’t get nearly enough of those things to keep us around long enough to see that an enjoyable life can be a reality.

so many Black queerbies that I know go thru all this, and sadly we are often the ONLY support we have. the ONLY support.

blood family, friendships formed over decades, mentors, siblings, everyone turns their backs on us if it is more convenient and socially/emotionally safe for them to do so.

we are left behind by the dozens, seen as wholly disposable and not unconditionally worthy of help, and are lucky if we get an ounce of empathy from someone large enough to buy ourselves a cup of coffee.

I pray that all the people that have abandoned a Black queerbie that they claimed to love at any point in time viscerally feels that person’s pain & carries it with them all of their days.

I also pray that Black queer folks are able to find authentic, unconditional love & support, are able to heal from all of their scars, & can stand in their beauty and inherent worth and learn to love themselves first. it is necessary for survival.

the road to self-love is hard and full of obstacles and plain old traps formed to trick us to fall back into old ways, but the road is more than worth it.

coming into our full power, full beauty, full creativity, full humanity is so. worth. it.

the inherent worth comes from our pure existence and nothing more.

we exist; therefore, we are worthy.